A Word About
Navigating Offers of Help
A cancer diagnosis often elicits an outpouring of support, advice, and offers of help from friends, family, and well-meaning Facebook folk. While this attention and care generally comes from a sincere place, it can also feel overwhelming and often confusing. Navigating this influx of rightly-motivated, but not always helpful, input requires a thoughtful strategy.
How do I respond graciously to the sincere offers of help?
How do I manage the unsolicited advice, some of which may be outdated, inaccurate, or simply not right for you?
I have found that it’s crucial to develop a decision-making grid that allows you to receive the support you need while also protecting your own emotional and physical well-being. It’s been our experience that there are two kinds of help extended: (1) offers that are genuinely helpful – but we are not sure how to respond, (2) offers that are well-intentioned – but feel intrusive and/or counter to the path we have chosen for our care.
Through a good bit of trial and error, we’ve discovered a few helpful ways of navigating these well-meaning offers of help. Perhaps these nuggets will prove helpful to you as well.
1. Responding to offers of help we genuinely need:
- Be specific: Instead of a general “thank you”, try to identify concrete ways people can help. For example, “Thank you so much for your offer. I’d love some help with meal preparation next week”, or “I really appreciate that, would you be able to drive me to my appointment on Tuesday.” This makes it easier for people to actually provide assistance that is both timely and genuinely helpful.
- Delegate tasks: Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks to those who offer ongoing assistance. This can include things like childcare, pet care, errands, or even just phone calls to keep other friends and family updated. We have found it helpful to designate a communication ‘person’ who can organize schedules and offers during the most intense parts of treatment.
- Create a help list: Keep a running list of tasks you need help with. We are sometimes caught off-guard by an offer, but keeping a list helps. Then when someone asks if there is something they can do, you can refer to the list and choose something that feels manageable for them and helpful for you.
- Say “yes” (when you can): It can be hard to accept help, but it’s important to allow others to support you. Saying a straightforward “yes” allows friends and family to express their care and can lighten your load. Remember: gifted givers can’t give unless recipients learn to receive.
- Say “no” (if you need to): If an offer doesn’t feel right or you’re already overwhelmed, it’s perfectly acceptable to politely decline. A simple, “Thank you so much for the offer, but I’m all set for now.” is sufficient.
2. Managing Unsolicited Advice:
- Acknowledge and thank them: Even if the advice is unwanted or inaccurate, a polite response is usually the best approach. “Thank you for sharing that information with me. I appreciate you thinking of me.”
- Set boundaries: If the advice becomes overwhelming or intrusive, it’s okay to gently set boundaries. You can say something like, “I’m currently working closely with my medical team to determine the best course of treatment for me. I appreciate your input, but I’m focusing on their recommendations right now.”
- Seek information from reputable sources: Don’t rely solely on anecdotal advice. Consult with your healthcare providers and refer to trusted and reliable resources/authors and/or veteran warriors who you know have your best interests at heart.
- Remember you’re in control: Ultimately, you are the one who makes decisions about your healthcare. You have the right to choose which advice to follow and which treatments to pursue. When people get pushy, it’s usually a sign that there is another agenda that ought not be trusted.
In short, navigating offers of help requires a delicate balance of acceptance and boundary-setting. It is about clearly communicating your specific needs, distinguishing between practical assistance and emotional support. Graciously accept offers that genuinely alleviate burdens, while politely declining those that feel overwhelming or misaligned with your preferences or comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to set firm boundaries to protect your energy and autonomy, remembering that “no” is a complete sentence. Trust your Spirit-inspired intuition and only accept help that truly serves your well-being, fostering a supportive environment without compromising your personal space.
Soul Care with
Pastor Jenn
To Pastor (verb): to shepherd, advise, and guide into a place of deeper spiritual understanding
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”
Revelation 12:11
I’m becoming ever more aware of the power of the story. I’m not talking about the fairytale. Fairytales were idyllic as a little girl, but these days I’m much more interested in the actual story of people’s lives. I’m talking about the real down and dirty story – the true struggles; the daily fight for wellness, recovery, justice, fill in the blank. Maybe it’s just my personality or my enneagram type, but I truly struggle with conversations about the mundane. I’d rather you tell me the hard, raw truth.
There’s something that happens in the telling of a story like that. It’s like it breathes oxygen into a space that otherwise feels stifled with the need to “fake fine”. It affords both the speaker and the listener the space to speak the truth freely and, more than that, acknowledge the true feelings and experiences of life.
I had the opportunity last week to speak a little bit of the truth of the last 8 months of my life. Maybe to some people, it was a little too honest. But what I know for sure is that in the telling of my story, I gave other people the freedom to tell theirs. And maybe in their telling, healing will come, and light will shine where only darkness lived before. It sounds almost too good to be true, but God really does work all things for good if we only give Him the chance.
I don’t know what the story of your life is right now, but I pray you have the courage to live it openly knowing that God is weaving something you can’t yet imagine in even the hardest of moments. He’s creating a future of life and hope, not just for you but for every person who hears your struggle and experiences your overcoming that only God can bring into existence. The word of your testimony is worthwhile, it’s worth the fight and it might just make all the difference to someone in your world. Take courage, friend.
Caregivers Corner with
Lori Smith
To Support (noun): to provide assistance that enables one to function or act.
Being a caregiver requires much sacrifice…
As Joni Mitchell aptly sings in Big Yellow Taxi, “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” We do not always realize the extent to which we must lay down our own desires, needs, and wants in order to care for our person. Before my husband was diagnosed, I exercised regularly. I took for granted being able to go into my home gym on any given day and work out. When the role of caregiver was added to my plate, in addition to mother, homeschooler, wife, and homemaker, my health quickly took a backseat. I struggled not only with mental health issues like anxiety and panic attacks, but also with physical ailments like excruciating shoulder and hip pain, stomach problems, sleep issues, and exhaustion. Unfortunately, this is the story for many caregivers, and it comes with a sacrifice of our own health.
So, what can we do?
Most importantly, I encourage you to find what YOU need in this season.
No one is going to find it for you. Think through what would be most helpful to you and then ask for it. Practically speaking, there are some good resources available depending on the extent to which your person needs care. There are home health professionals who can ease the burden of care, including nurses, physical therapists, occupational therapists, and respite care. Asking friends and family for hands-on support is also a good way to give yourself a break. I highly recommend anyone going through cancer, no matter the situation, to find a trusted therapist to walk alongside you. This resource is invaluable to your overall well-being both now and in the future. There are also support groups you can join if you like a group setting. Hospital and clinical social workers are reliable resources for this kind of information.
Most of all though? Stay close to God.
Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me. (Psalm 50:14-15)
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess his name. (Hebrews 13:15)
Call upon the Lord through the sacrifice of thanks and praise offerings. He will be faithful to show you what you need when you need it. Don’t feel guilty when you can’t do it all because…YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL.
Take a breath, take a break, and take care.
Worship Moment with
Joel Salabarria
To Inspire (verb): to fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
Song: If I Could Have Anything (Spotify, YouTube Music and Apple Music)
Band: Housefires
From: How to Start A Housefire (2022)
This song is such a beautiful picture of heart posture. I love how it feels like a conversation with the Lord. If I could have anything let it be YOUR eyes on me!
May I be like Mary
Open to the movements of Your heart
(thank You, Jesus)
Blessed in the keeping of Your promise
A faithful friend of God
May I love Your presence, Jesus
More than any gift You’ve given me
More than any crown I could receive
More than all my dreams
If I could have anything
Let it be Your eyes on me
Every time I catch Your gaze
My world starts changing
I don’t have that much to bring
Just a simple song to sing
If I could have anything
Let me be an offering (if I could have)
And may I be like David (yeah!)
Unconvinced by power or by idols
And worshipping in triumph and in trial
A faithful friend of God
And may I love Your Spirit
More than reputation or prestige, yeah
And more than what the world could think of me
‘Cause Your love is all I need
Poetic Encouragement with
Julie Clarke
To Encourage (noun): to give support and hope to someone so that they will do or continue to do something.
Balloon Ride
When love’s been written in the clouds
And preached out long and loud
And the winds blows even higher
Above mountain tops and grounds
It’s the memories here that hold us
And the ties that never break
It’s the dreaming of the future
And the memories we’ll make
It’s new time for lifting family
And watching others grow
It’s the time for being confident
In all the truths you know
It’s a farewell not forever
But just for a time as this
To rise above the view below
And make a peace-filled wish
That love will lift them higher
And the skies will open wide
To all the hearts who’ve turned and run
And sought places still to hide
It’s this ride in wind with fire
That brings a comfort show
A multitude of colors that still
Helps the world to know.
Nutrition Nuggets with
Suzanna Hake
To Nourish (verb): the act or process of being nourished.
Did you know the average person is exposed to more than 700,000 toxic chemicals a day. By detoxing your body, you’re helping your body stay healthy!
Drainage pathways are the “roads” inside your body where toxins are captured, filtered, and ultimately excreted. Detoxification happens through drainage pathways. So we want to keep those roads from becoming jammed!
Here’s how to keep your drainage pathways open, clear and flowing:
💚Exfoliate
💚Drink lemon water
💚Break a sweat
💚Eat root veggies (carrots, beets, etc.)
💚Dry brush
💚Have a bowel movement
💚Hydrate with filtered water
💚Practice deep breathing
💚Facial gua sha massage
Piet's Ponderings
To Ponder (verb): to think about something carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion
A friend posted this, and given that we are entering the Lenten season, I wanted to take a moment to share it here.
Jesus would have probably laughed…
Our practice at Lent might have seemed odd to him – giving up things like chocolate, coffee and beer – all things that provide a little joy and happiness in this otherwise challenging life. What He might actually suggest is that we give up things that make us miserable in God’s paradise: things like jealousy, gossip, anger, greed, insecurity and the like. The things that move us away from the Light. We might honor him best by giving up that which magnifies the darkness in our life. That effort might bring us a little closer to honoring what this season is really meant to reveal…
Interesting thought!
A Lenten Prayer for the Week
To Pray (verb): Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer ad petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God )Philippians 4:6)
O Lord, Physician of our souls and bodies, we come before you in this Lenten season, seeking your healing touch. We acknowledge our frailty, our vulnerabilities, and the burdens we carry, both seen and unseen.
Just as you walked among the sick and afflicted, offering comfort and restoration, we ask that you walk with us now. Heal the wounds of our bodies, ease the pain that lingers, and restore us to wholeness.
More than physical healing, we seek the healing of our hearts and minds. Mend the brokenness within us, soothe the anxieties that plague us, and fill us with your peace that surpasses all understanding.
During this time of reflection and repentance, cleanse us from the sins that weigh us down, and grant us the strength to turn away from all that separates us from you. Fill us with your Holy Spirit, that we may find comfort in your presence and hope in your promises.
Lord, we know that your will is perfect, and we trust in your divine wisdom. Whether you grant us immediate healing or sustain us through our trials, may we find strength and grace in your loving embrace.
Through Christ our Lord, who suffered and died that we might have life, we pray. Amen.
This week’s podcast:
Suzanna Hake
We had the chance to do an interview with our very own Suzanna (who makes a weekly contribution to this newsletter). On your next drive to the grocery store give it a listen. She shares her profound journey through childhood, health challenges, and the remarkable power of faith and community. She also elaborates on navigating the complexities of relationships and entrepreneurship – emphasizing resilience, the importance of support, and the potential for miraculous healing.
You can catch it on apple podcasts or on YouTube.
Support the work!
The Van Waarde Foundation underwrites and supports a variety of projects related to supporting, educating, and encouraging fellow cancer warriors and their families.
Thank you in advance for your prayerful consideration.
https://www.patreon.com/c/pietvanwaarde
